[[*---Virtu contro al Furore---*]]

Sunday, May 02, 2004

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all through the night he is lying awake...

slept at 3.30 yesterday, for the fun of it. stayed up till 1, then went out for a slurpee and watched TV for 2 hours.... surprised to say that my neighbourhood has quite a lot of activity even in 1 in the morning. and i thought it was wulu.... well maybe not. sigh. not really tired now though... suppose its the coffee at lunch. shall probably get down to my chem and chinese and just about a million other things after i finish this....

wondering how much more can he take...

life seems to be going down the drain. i'm clinging on to things which i can't really say are really important, and not being true to myself. can i really be? i have seen what happened when i really was true to myself. can any of us honestly say we are always true to ourselves? i suppose not. yet sometimes i wish that i could escape it all, all the stress, pressures, and etc. and just have a good time with my friends, or spend some quality time relaxing at home. man. how i wish i could go back to sec 1, heck, even primary school, and start all over again. oh the things that i would do better! the people i would make better relationships with! the choices i would make! but alas, i can't go back.....

watching the wall where the shadows dance...

so many things, so little time. often i never prorize, and it all falls apart. sigh. IB is really stressful. so much work, work, and more work. i actually wish i could go back to the O level system. perhaps i might change my mind when i would have to mug for the O's? but like auggie said, "i'll stick with the tried and tested" and perhaps that's where i should have gone.
sigh.... i neer seem to stop chasing so many fleeting things. acceptance, happiness, wealth, all these things that i crave but never seem to get. perhaps in seeking these, i crave them ever more and more. i seek to be in demand for projects. yet i know that really isn't the case. what can i do? will someone tell me?

drifting away into a trance...

sometimes i feel all this is a dream. or maybe a nightmare. so many things, never enough happiness. class, school, pressure, so on and so forth. there's been ups and downs, sure, but mostly downs actually... gratz to all my friends, i don't think i could have made it without you all....
i need to wake up. i need to get going. i need to stop showing off, especially when there's nothing to show off. competitiveness? wish i could just do away with it. i need some happiness.....

and his eyes are blazing with fire...

competitiveness. ugh. how i wish i could do away with it all! i'm just stuck i a neverending game of catch up. catch up to this person, catch up to that person. get mun's grades, be nice like auggie, be charming like kal and josh hiew.... but deep down, am i really doing what i want to do? am i being myself? i wish i could find my own niche, and just crawl away and huddle up i there, untouched by the pressures of the world. yet it's not possible, is it? some times i think i don't try hard enough, other times i think i try too hard.... but look at lots of people in my class. they may not have all the connections, super good grades, and such, but they, at least outwardly, are contented enough. they can stay at 60% all their lives and be oblivious to all of it. at the end of the day, perhaps that is just what i wnat. to be contented.

dreams burnt to ashes so many times...

cca. my bane. softball, basketball, and now debate. have i really found my niche? i cant even say i'm sure. perhaps i'm too caught up with this achievements thing. but with all this rotation, can i really get it to work? i failed at basketball because of lack of commitment, to run that last round even if i knew i couldn't do it in time, to persevere and come for all the holiday tranings... i may blame it on the coach but is it really the case? all coaches scream, yell, etc. sometime. at least reprimand in any case. even our debate coach reprimands us sometimes. at the end of the day, maybe i've not tried my best. but it's already sec 3. with so little time left, can i make debate work for me? and can i work for it? i don't think i may even get into team next year.... or speak for that matter. yet i can't even concentrate hard enough for ncc land, and i don't think i may get S6. i may say the judging standard are biased, but who am i to say? i wish it could all work out in the end...
acsi debaters... give me a chance k?

high is the mountain, still he climbs...

we're in for the long haul with IB. i'm not sure that i can coexist with everyone, or even my class for that matter, but it's 6 years. i've gotta go along with the flow anyway. hmm. they say they wanna open up the IB for others at the sec4 intake, but honestly, how will that fare? had some talk with church frens today, and kinda realized that well... there really aren't gonna be that many people coming in. who really wants desperately to come into acs? esp. girls? i mean... i only know of one who wants to come in, and i'm sure one is definitely not enough..... well i can't be sure, really. ah well... i think a reverse njc will happen, with 2/3 boys and 1/3 girls, or even 3/4 boys and 1/4 girls.... sigh.... so on we go.

ready to fly cause he just can't stay...

where am i going to go? will i head overseas and pon NS? i can't be sure really. i feel that my calling is as a doctor, but will it be here or overseas? even more so, i'm not really sure where or when....
with respect to my class, would i want to stay in it next year if i had a choice? (which i don't ) i'm not really sure. i know that i don't really have much goodwill stored up for me in 3.10 anyway.... what with ian and wes... but it's not their fault is it? anyway... i guess i gotta learn to work with my classmates. hmm. my kaki is kinda over in 3.10, so i better rebuild one here in 3.9. need to get a good base of people....

flame burning brighter with every day

at the end of the day, what i have to realize is that it's ok not to be in demand like mun. it's ok not to have a group of the hardest workers, and the best acad people. its ok not to be perfect. hey. read the title of this blog... and so on. can the best people necessarily produce the best results? even that alone is actually quite questionable. too many cooks spoil the broth, as they say....
so, in summary, i need to take front or back seat as i see fit. took back seat for LA(B) and physics. physics worked out pretty well, so who's complaining? LA(B) will be fine too... nothing really hard or complicated there, and hey, we got our stuff going.
reminds me of sec2. i dint manage to get the best group for public speaking competition, so i formed my own, with large resnt. though the members of that group would prpbably not necessarily join me again, at least i realized, that, even with lower tech, less flashy stuff, and so on, eventually, it'll all work out in god's plan for me.

and his eyes are burning with fire....
longing for his deepest desire....

god bless. let's all strive towards a better future k?

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|3:10 PM|