[[*---Virtu contro al Furore---*]]

Thursday, November 18, 2004

______________________________

Things Change.

Spent the whole morning stoning on the bed while listening to some of my old CDs that i had burned some 6 months to a year ago. Discovered them by chance as i thought they had been thrown away or fallen into disrepair. Still, i did realize then that although the CDs merely contained music, which i listened to at that time and still do right now, in a sense the CDs, their mutiplicity and the overall music found in them would in a way represent the memories of the times in which i burned those CDs. Cue another long period of introspection everyone...

At that time, i was still struggling to come to terms with the harsh reality that i had unwittingly created for myself. Painful experiences, Broken friendships, and many more terrible things that i had only discovered then existed beyond my halcyon sphere of egocentrism... A Pandora's box that i had opened myself. Even then i wanted to escape from it all, all the problems, without looking at them properly, and thus created even more problems, more pain, more terse experiences for myself this year.

Would it have been better then to deal with everything at that time? Yet in a sense self-repression cannot occur over such a short time, or without sufficient stimuli... To an extent the fact that many of my friends were still in a way supportive of me at that time served in a sense as a symptomatic relief to whatever others might have said. Yet in the same sense, that fact alone might have then served as justification for some kind of continuation of my terrible behavior at that point. Hence cue this year, and so on.... But listening back to metallica, which i was absolutely crazy over at that time, i realize that much of my problems i faced at that time were real, yet i chose to blot them out in my mind's eye, not paying heed to them until in a sense it was too late this time around.

Yet now are the problems really resolved? After a whole year of repression and self-control (yes some will disagree with that) it seems like there's still no balance in my life. Still not talking about like over-emphasis of grades, though that is most certainly there sometimes, but i suppose, if i really look at it, i lack in a sense an innate ability to click with people instantly. Now that is, not that kind of click which results in like people getting married within a few months and all that, with the marriage lasting like super long and all that, but more importantly it's something i lack that cannot put others at ease... Look at our resident terrorist, he's got that spark, that certain factor which naturally puts people at ease, that makes him naturally popular... I would suppose i could go so far as to say that it exists within the person's character as well, that if you are that kind of person who can put yourself at ease to put others at ease, that you can feel natural in whatever kind of company you are in... Then that would naturally be better. Still, is that really all that there is? Somehow i sense that there must be more that one can do. So remind me to call the ISD and ask that detainee about it...

But back to my original point, ever thought you were drowning in problems when you weren't? It seems that way to me now, that this whole myriad of problems exist within my mind, and that their external manifestos are surreal but ever-present. Even then, sometimes i feel that some of these problems, in fact most if not all of them, were created by myself, and in a way can only be solved by myself. Even then, sometimes things are present, which make me aware of these problems. What problems, one asks?

I think firstly and foremostly, i lack that special bond? In a sense a special bond with many of the people whom i have known for a while. People like Mun, Song, Shiv, etc, yes they're my friends and so on, but still, when one sees them, and if one could just observe my dealings with them, it might, or might not, be obvious that i perhaps cannot say that i'm that comfortable with them, to in a sense trade affable verbal repartee and engage in extended humourous conversation? And this does seem in a way strange because it was different in Sec 2... And we all know how i was like in sec 2 right? Well in some way whether they've in a sense seen through me or something of that sort, i have absolutely no clue... Must call the ISD detainee about that too...

Problems problems... how about being too open? I suppose in a sense certain people are naturally disarming, and one naturally feels more at ease with them? Yet in a warped way, i find that myself, i can share with these people and so on, but in a way their disarming nature puts me even more on guard, such that in a way i begin to calculate all my actions to not become too casual - even if the person knows that he or she is more disarming than others, people becoming too casual can also put the person off in a way - what more if the person doesn't fully know that he or she is disarming! They'd think that people around them who acted really casual would be strange and all that... Though it might be, to some extent, their own fault for having a lack of self-knowledge? Still, it being their own fault or no, distancing would inevitably be bound to occur. Given all that, then, it follows that, yes Shiv, Ignorance is Paranoia... Let's say i know this person who is naturally disarming (this is a real case btw) and this person (in case the person finds out, i shall keep this example gender-neutral) may or may not know of one's own disarming nature, so it would follow that I might become more cautious around this person such that this person would not think that i was acting strangely casual...
Social etiquette and social unwritten rules. Indeed.

At the same time, whether it may seem strange or not, i eventually find myself doing a double gravitation. Here i mean that while i like to make friends with the people who are naturally outgoing and happy-go-lucky (or at least they might seem so on the surface), in a way my relationship with them tends to be a little.... Shallow perhaps? It might be in the whole idea that birds of a feather flock together... Somehow then, although i prefer on the surface to hang around people who are more cheerful and outgoing, because the overall feeling of such a group is generally high and pleasant, i do eventually, in a way, find myself gravitating towards people who can in that way understand where i'm coming from... People who do think and ponder a lot, and have very deep-reaching views about what happens around them... People who, in a way, can be themselves around others, without much fear of repercussions, people who are not afraid to be themselves, and whom can be really insensitive at times but are generally frank and honest. In a way if i see that these people can be themselves, that they in a sense dare to be moody and angry when everyone else is hyper, that they can speak their mind often, these are the kind of people i eventually find myself gravitating to.

I guess in a way i repress myself. Self-repression, in a way, is a strange thing (and i have yet to read up freud's views on this) because after a extended enough period of self-repression, that which is being repressed can really go underground, and the facade that one puts up as a result of said repression can then become in a way integrated into the self, that it then becomes part of the person's personality. People who have known me since sec 1 would know that since then, a good deal of self-repression has taken place, to quell the egotism that arose at the end of sec 1 unwitttingly and became a major sticking point in sec 2, especially at the end of it... anyway so in a way, if i look at my motives for self-repression at the end of sec 2, till the middle of sec 3 even, i would say that they have changed completely...

Now in a sense i have repressed myself to the extent that some of the reasons for the repression have disapppeared, and many of the artificial traits that i put on, that i built up as part of the facade of my repressed self, have become second nature to me, that often i think about my old motives and my old self, and cannot help but laugh or cry. Yet even now, as it has been made clear to me by someone whom i talked with during that period of depression after the debate camp, apparently self-repression has not fully finished. It must continue. Repression of the self actually in a way brings about benefits? Of course others would simply term it as acting differently based on the circumstances... Then again do these people really repress themselves? No, indeed they do not, but simply let their repressed areas show themselves in some ugly ways sometimes, in scenarios which they think will be of no consequence.

Still, others would tell me to be myself. I wouldn't know about that though. One realizes, that after an extended period of self repression such as the one which i have undertaken, for example, the demarcation of what is the self and what is being imposed on the self by the self, as well as what is being imposed on the self by others, really becomes blur. I can honestly say (and others would agree) that i am a better person than i was at the end of sec 2. Yet how much of this change was effected by me? How much of it was consequentialist and effected by the microcosm of society that exists around each individual? How much yet again was part of my innate nature? All the time, how much of all these changes have then become part of myself? All these are naturally very hard, if not impossible, to delineate - yet even then it is somehow recognizable, at least to me, that some parts of the facade of self-repression have not been fully integrated into my own self. Overall it seems like the line between self and not self is really becoming increasingly blurred.

This still requires, i suppose, more thought which is at the present time (it's 4.30 already on my clock) rather untenable. Things which hitherto had been unknown must be brought to light. Constant thought of such matters, though, is not something which i really look forward to, as somehow it always ineveitably ends up in some way becoming depressing.

Oh well. So Much for now.

Mood - Pensive
Song - Metallica - Fade to Black

Life it seems, will fade away
Drifting further every day
Getting lost within myself
Nothing matters no one else
I have lost the will to live
Simply nothing more to give
There is nothing more for me
Need the end to set me free

Things are not what they used to be
Missing one inside of me
Deathly lost, this can’t be real
Cannot stand this hell I feel
Emptiness is filling me
To the point of agony
Growing darkness taking dawn
I was me, but now he’s gone

No one but me can save myself, but it’s too late
Now I can’t think, think why I should even try

Yesterday seems as though it never existed
Death greets me warm, now I will just say good-bye

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|2:34 PM|

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