[[*---Virtu contro al Furore---*]]

Monday, February 28, 2005

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The Unnamed Feeling

I realize now why I love Metallica's "The Unnamed Feeling".
Because i guess it really was written for those times when I cannot understand why I feel the way i do, given the way i should be feeling under the general circumstances.
And other than that, it sometimes feels like i cannot tell how i feel anymore.
Despair? Frustration? Boredom? Disdain? Passivity? Melancholy? Lethargy
Or perhaps, all of them rolled into one. That, that is the unnamed feeling.
And it's terrible. Like today, i received 2 subject awards, and an a2 for chinese, so one would conceivably think that i would be quite jubilant. Yet that was not the case.
Somehow. I guess it was what i talked with someone about. Which centred around, well yes, that old bete noire of everyone, politics.
Damn. Now i know why everyone hates politics. It just sucks doesn't it. Yet somehow, i've grown to realize that some things are indeterminably intertwined with politics due to their inherent nature. And that's what is most annoying.
I am considering certain things. But perhaps they shall not come to pass, or they shall. That is yet to be seen. I still have this year ahead of me at any rate.
And yes, it is all about the little things. The little things are the ones that matter. Not the big ones. It's quite a fact.

Well so much for discursive ramblings. Off to A Math.

Metallica - The Unnamed Feeling

(Been here before, Been here before
Been here before, Been here before)

(Been here before, Been here before)

Been here before couldn't say i liked it
Do i start writing all this down?
Just let me plug you into my world
Can't you help me be uncrazy?

Name this for me, heat the cold air
Take the chill off of my life
And if i could i'd turn my eyes
To look inside to see what's comin'

It comes alive
It comes alive
It comes alive
And i die a little more
It comes alive
It comes alive
It comes alive
Each moment here i die, i die, i die a little more

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away

(Been here before, Been here before
Been here before, Been here before)

(Been here before, Been here before)

I'm frantic in your soothing arms
I can not sleep in this down filled world
I've found safety in this loneliness
But i can not stand it anymore

Cross my heart hope not to die
Swallow evil, ride the sky
Lose myself in a crowded room
You fool, you fool, it will be here soon

It comes alive
It comes alive
It comes alive
And i die a little more
It comes alive
It comes alive
It comes alive
Each moment here i die a little more
Ooh i die, i die, i die a little more

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Treats me this way
And i wait for this train
Toes over the line
And then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away, it takes me...
Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away
yeah, it takes me away

Get the fuck out of here I just
wanna get the fuck away from me
I rage, i glaze, i hurt, i hate
I hate it all, why? Why? Why me?
I cannot sleep with a head like this
I wanna cry, I wanna scream
I rage, i glaze, i hurt, i hate
I wanna hate it all away...

Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Treats me this way
And i wait for this train
Toes over are the line
And then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away, yeah takes me away
Then the unnamed feeling
It comes alive
Then the unnamed feeling
Takes me away

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|8:43 PM|

Sunday, February 27, 2005

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Deception

That eviscerating fire turns,
Looks at us, and it burns, it burns...
Sacrament that gnaws at our soul,
We cover it, and it burns cold.

Not fearing grasping conscience tight,
Furiously shines the searing light;
When finally it is subdued-
Another mark is burnt anew.

Your scars bear witness to your sin-
Heart that is festering within...

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|1:30 PM|

Thursday, February 24, 2005

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Stress

Cornucopia of commitment
Thrust through the trembling trickery
And now the apex's denouement
Seethes at seams of this scenery

Morgue faces, A rusted trampoline
Creaking but never bouncing back
Why have we stretched our maws too thin
Burgeoned interminable stack?

Alacrity we do not find
Amidst the yellow autumn leaves
Reaching our egression, still time
Plods ever on, so do not grieve.

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|11:29 PM|

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

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Distance

All that I've worked so hard for all my life
I now disdain

All those people I've tried to get close to
I shun coldly

And all the things that have mattered to me
So far away

So at the top of the tower I've built
I fall so far

Down

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|1:25 PM|

Monday, February 21, 2005

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Lethargy

Ah, that old familiarity
Of that benign obscurity
Shadows my path through withered glades
Calloused by panoramic shades

Standing in the droll cavalcade
Hold firm, brush past, or do you fade
No pity, we drop to the ground
Circle of derision surround

Alacrity now odious sound;
Sloth that old bane has been unbound
Sapping your strength convalescent
Draining and killing the nascent

Dilation of the winding road;
Yet our conscience doth onward goad.

[Got a new com. Sweet. And no Bern, i'm quite fat enough, thank you. :)]

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|6:21 PM|

Thursday, February 17, 2005

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Seven Stars

Seven lights numinous
Ethereal; luminous
Eviscerate the night
Illumine my soul's plight

The first, known as knowledge
Viceroy of the mind
Shining glossy visage
Break out laughter unkind

Duo, honorabilis;
Respect, not being liked;
Steering the ship amiss
Fearing not iceberg's strike

And the number is three;
And that is to be free
Not wanting a burden
Paradise's own garden

The hour hand strikes four;
Therein lies beastly might;
To throw open barred doors
Take vict'ry to the fight

Five, the grasp of your palm;
Grandiose hegemony
If but just to embalm
To control chaos' sea

Six, threewise man's number;
Sloth desires slumber;
Peace; rest from endless toil;
Soothing the frothing boils

Seventh, the day of rest;
In friendship do i stay
Grappling with time's arrest
Till the coming of gray

Seven wax and wane, but none bring solace;
Better then to rest in God's loving grace.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I try to hold on, but i'm callous to the bone,
Maybe that's why I feel so alone...
-- Weathered, Creed

I realize that, despite everything to the contrary, i'm still that same old arrogant bastard.
God gi-god-den, sirrah, tarry I not. I've had enough of convincing myself to the contrary.
Whether i'm putting up a farce, or whether I just think it natural already to act the way i do towards people, whether i know them well or otherwise, there's really no phenotypical difference. Let people think what they want to, and let them judge based on their own criterion. It's true, really. If you try to please everyone, you'll end up pleasing no one at all.

Well yes. I've ended up pleasing no one at all.
So do I continue, or not? Once bitten, twice shy, they say, and a hand that is burned too deep can no longer feel anything. I don't usually say anything like this in my blog anymore, but this was inspired by what someone else wrote. And well, perhaps the conflict is over, or could be attributed to a number of factors, but the fact still remains after all.

I think what a number of people, especially Josh, have said before, is really to follow the bible and let God do the rest.

Perhaps i've failed on that first count then.
And I can't bring myself back to that arrogant bastard.

What's most hilarious, is that most people don't even know, or rather didn't even know, the real me. And we'll not discourse about what constitutes a real me, lest a number of annoying oedipal struggle / deterministic arguments work themselves up unnecessarily.

So, who really knows who I am? I don't even open up fully to my parents either.
And if not them, then who? Perhaps it's remarkable that the people whom i'm quite friendly with have been acquainted with me for a remarkably short period of time. Excluding schoolmates that is. Yet sometimes i just throw myself out there, and hope for the best, and of course it has never worked.

Well what Deb C. said was true. If I keep trying to read people, i'll never trust them. But should I trust them in the first place? It seems strange that I tend to distance people that I have known for a long time. I mean I can't say that i'm good friends with any of my friends from primary school, even those in my school, except one. Perhaps that's why I surround myself with nice people and try to act nice occasionally, it's just to convince myself of this (relative) halcyon world that i'm living in can last forever. Although it won't. And it hasn't.

Cracks are beginning to show in the side. Well that's what happens when you try to solve your problems by yourself right? It's really impossible at times.
I realize I haven't lashed out in anger at anyone for one hell of a long time. Physically. No, that's not to say that I should. But the methodology of cartharsis is getting ever more and more elusive these days. And perhaps sometime it will come to that. Let us hope not.

And i keep throwing my net wider and wider, not realizing the gaping holes in the middle, that are letting all the fish through. At least i've learned to cast my nets on the other side, and yes they have come back brimming. Relatively that is.

Sometimes I wonder how some things have come to be, how some people can be together, and how, ultimately, how people are still wandering around in the dark not realizing the seeming truth. Or perhaps, they do realize the truth, except they convince themselves to be oblivious, to cast an opaque mask over it, or they've just learnt to work around or with it.

Still, perhaps, at the end of the day, it's really all about God. Things have failed me, over and over again, and yet i've never fully turned to him in my entirety. The things of this world will grow strangely dim? Still not happening, really. I guess sometimes He just seems so far away... and it's really interesting how right after that He pulls you right back to him.

I just can't see anymore. Nothing ever ossifies long enough to be perused at length, or even for a short convoluted moment.

Petra

Jekyll & Hyde

I have a secret that I let nobody see
An evil shadow that's been hanging over me
My alter ego that I try to hold at bay
But despite my good intentions he can always get away

He does the things that I don't want to do

Sometimes I feel like Jekyll and Hyde
Two men are fighting a war inside

I have this secret that I let nobody see
It's like a split personality
And the one I feed is the one who lives
The one I starve will be the one who gives

He won't do things that I know I should do

Sometimes I feel like Jekyll and Hyde
Two men are fighting a war inside
One gives, one takes, I have to decide
Sometimes I feel like Jekyll and Hyde

I need somebody to rescue me
When personalities clash
I know which person I want to be
With no defiance
Just God-reliance

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|8:29 PM|

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

______________________________

Rebirth

Fools
Rush in
Where Angels
Fear to
Tread

Pay
The price
For your deeds
But not
Death

Throw
Yourself
Headalong
Into
Life

So now
Do not ask how
From the ashes we rise
Alacrity becomes this life
Rushing forth with new-arisen power
So grit your teeth and again strive
Honest without a guise
Hear the deep growl
Endow

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|7:36 PM|

Friday, February 11, 2005

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Happiness

Omnipresent but never to be found;
It comes and does without a single sound.
Rapacious they search for it all their lives,
And because of that they ceaselessly strive.

Some find it at the bottom of a drink;
Some by living on oblivion's brink;
Others living in halcyon stasis,
Find it their friend on a daily basis.

Belief; Credo Deus Omnipotem:
And so by prayer joy comes unto them;
If so many glasses hold the same wine,
Then it follows; 'tis but a state of mind.

Yes, if only we could become content,
And our perdition forget and repent;
Then we could always find jubilation,
Never be troubled by deep depression.

So all roads lead here, and all lead away;
But are we sure why we're here anyway?

[P.S. Thank you, Chun, for a great time. =) ]

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|9:16 PM|

Thursday, February 10, 2005

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Maturity

Well who's to say?
What's great today
May not be to-
Morrow; But do
I care? Should I?
They say to die
is better than
living like sand
Blown by the wind
Falling in sin

Do we declare
That we should share
Relations; but
One on one? what;
Is that dating?
No, old thinking;
Yet, brought towards
Conflict with God,
Though not direct;
Do I distract?

And longing for
the past; else or
Reminiscing
Aimless stumbling
So seize the day
Enter the fray
What's done is done;
And no re-runs;
Can you change it?
No, not a bit;

So thus I show
'Twas not to know
Is hence better;
Torn and tatter
Else make your stand
Heart in your hand
High and narrow
Wide and shallow

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|11:34 PM|

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

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Celebration?

Laughter
That time has come
Hear the glasses clinking
Faces mirrored in deep broad mirth
A host of well-wishers surround your gaze
Smiling, sipping, singing, seeming
To praise away your faults
Yet still one feels
Disgust

Well I've
Been here before
I can't say I liked it
Found safety in my loneliness
Though I don't always shut it all away
Play the fool who's always grinning
Send your net far and wide
But pull it up
Empty

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|1:31 PM|

Monday, February 07, 2005

______________________________

The Fallen 03

Strung deep in their halcyon nests
Hear not the bloodstained unrest
A small gnat hovering over;
Hear the droll hum; run for cover

Curious as moths fly to a flame
They are ravaged; but who's to blame?
None could foresee the hand of fate
A tabula rasa; blank slate

So as their homes are whipped apart
They abandon their high ramparts
Scattered by a higher power
Naught left to them but to cower

So whilst I take a quick recess
Birds come to pick up the pieces

--Inspired by cutting the grass in my backyard (don't laugh)

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|7:47 PM|

Sunday, February 06, 2005

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Emotion

O Happiness, that errant fool,
He Comes and goes as he pleases;
Often a breeze, fleeting and cool;
But the mark he often misses.

O dark Despair, close companion;
Morose at birth, Cherished till death;
Yet dancing with him brings no life;
But a ceaseless acerbic strife.

O chilling fear, Rapacious hold,
Thou art the most heartless and cold;
Yet ever you sharpen the mind;
A vital master most unkind.

O brutal rage, beloved friend;
Trusty point faithful to the end;
Malice burns in your steely eyes;
Thirst never slaked until you die

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|8:39 PM|

Saturday, February 05, 2005

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Panacea

'Tis not unto us to raise,
Whether something be noble or base;
Or to be harsh or kind
And think one more august in the mind;

Yea, 'twas not for us to say,
If 'tis better melancholy or gay,
Or if spieled silken speech
Be loftier than short gravelly screech.

Nay, the sagacious strive,
While the miscreants skive;
To all are appointed the same lot:
Rest in the ground; be forgot.

So let all odious conflict end;
'Tis time to make peaceful amend.

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|2:46 PM|

Thursday, February 03, 2005

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Is it Enough?

Is it enough? -- Showing you care?
For people will never recall,
How you helped them when they felt small;
So as you sit despondent in the dark
Comfort and solace will be rare.

Is it enough? -- Being the best?
For there's such abject disrespect;
And you're always under attack;
So when you hit the books another time,
Recall the wicked have no rest.

Are they enough? -- Those beloved friends?
You can grow up and forget them,
For they're just a fairweather sham;
And when they finally abandon you,
At least you've got nothing to mend.

--Adapted from Sigfried Sassoon's Does it Matter?

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|5:40 PM|

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

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Execution

Watching that ominous great spectacle
Cacophony and a great debacle
Demagogue yell out for you, my dear friend
You whose morals would so easily rend

Watching the cold rope of extirpation
Eyes the apogee of denigration
Plebeians feeling his breath slip away
So knowest this well; truth was hanged that day

But Lady Fortune left with a shiver
From you, indurate executioner
Where your omnipotent fist once held sway
Now find all your cronies have gone astray

For your hubris has made open doors shut
So pick up your cards; Et le Baccarat

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|7:56 PM|