[[*---Virtu contro al Furore---*]]

Thursday, February 17, 2005

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Seven Stars

Seven lights numinous
Ethereal; luminous
Eviscerate the night
Illumine my soul's plight

The first, known as knowledge
Viceroy of the mind
Shining glossy visage
Break out laughter unkind

Duo, honorabilis;
Respect, not being liked;
Steering the ship amiss
Fearing not iceberg's strike

And the number is three;
And that is to be free
Not wanting a burden
Paradise's own garden

The hour hand strikes four;
Therein lies beastly might;
To throw open barred doors
Take vict'ry to the fight

Five, the grasp of your palm;
Grandiose hegemony
If but just to embalm
To control chaos' sea

Six, threewise man's number;
Sloth desires slumber;
Peace; rest from endless toil;
Soothing the frothing boils

Seventh, the day of rest;
In friendship do i stay
Grappling with time's arrest
Till the coming of gray

Seven wax and wane, but none bring solace;
Better then to rest in God's loving grace.

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I try to hold on, but i'm callous to the bone,
Maybe that's why I feel so alone...
-- Weathered, Creed

I realize that, despite everything to the contrary, i'm still that same old arrogant bastard.
God gi-god-den, sirrah, tarry I not. I've had enough of convincing myself to the contrary.
Whether i'm putting up a farce, or whether I just think it natural already to act the way i do towards people, whether i know them well or otherwise, there's really no phenotypical difference. Let people think what they want to, and let them judge based on their own criterion. It's true, really. If you try to please everyone, you'll end up pleasing no one at all.

Well yes. I've ended up pleasing no one at all.
So do I continue, or not? Once bitten, twice shy, they say, and a hand that is burned too deep can no longer feel anything. I don't usually say anything like this in my blog anymore, but this was inspired by what someone else wrote. And well, perhaps the conflict is over, or could be attributed to a number of factors, but the fact still remains after all.

I think what a number of people, especially Josh, have said before, is really to follow the bible and let God do the rest.

Perhaps i've failed on that first count then.
And I can't bring myself back to that arrogant bastard.

What's most hilarious, is that most people don't even know, or rather didn't even know, the real me. And we'll not discourse about what constitutes a real me, lest a number of annoying oedipal struggle / deterministic arguments work themselves up unnecessarily.

So, who really knows who I am? I don't even open up fully to my parents either.
And if not them, then who? Perhaps it's remarkable that the people whom i'm quite friendly with have been acquainted with me for a remarkably short period of time. Excluding schoolmates that is. Yet sometimes i just throw myself out there, and hope for the best, and of course it has never worked.

Well what Deb C. said was true. If I keep trying to read people, i'll never trust them. But should I trust them in the first place? It seems strange that I tend to distance people that I have known for a long time. I mean I can't say that i'm good friends with any of my friends from primary school, even those in my school, except one. Perhaps that's why I surround myself with nice people and try to act nice occasionally, it's just to convince myself of this (relative) halcyon world that i'm living in can last forever. Although it won't. And it hasn't.

Cracks are beginning to show in the side. Well that's what happens when you try to solve your problems by yourself right? It's really impossible at times.
I realize I haven't lashed out in anger at anyone for one hell of a long time. Physically. No, that's not to say that I should. But the methodology of cartharsis is getting ever more and more elusive these days. And perhaps sometime it will come to that. Let us hope not.

And i keep throwing my net wider and wider, not realizing the gaping holes in the middle, that are letting all the fish through. At least i've learned to cast my nets on the other side, and yes they have come back brimming. Relatively that is.

Sometimes I wonder how some things have come to be, how some people can be together, and how, ultimately, how people are still wandering around in the dark not realizing the seeming truth. Or perhaps, they do realize the truth, except they convince themselves to be oblivious, to cast an opaque mask over it, or they've just learnt to work around or with it.

Still, perhaps, at the end of the day, it's really all about God. Things have failed me, over and over again, and yet i've never fully turned to him in my entirety. The things of this world will grow strangely dim? Still not happening, really. I guess sometimes He just seems so far away... and it's really interesting how right after that He pulls you right back to him.

I just can't see anymore. Nothing ever ossifies long enough to be perused at length, or even for a short convoluted moment.

Petra

Jekyll & Hyde

I have a secret that I let nobody see
An evil shadow that's been hanging over me
My alter ego that I try to hold at bay
But despite my good intentions he can always get away

He does the things that I don't want to do

Sometimes I feel like Jekyll and Hyde
Two men are fighting a war inside

I have this secret that I let nobody see
It's like a split personality
And the one I feed is the one who lives
The one I starve will be the one who gives

He won't do things that I know I should do

Sometimes I feel like Jekyll and Hyde
Two men are fighting a war inside
One gives, one takes, I have to decide
Sometimes I feel like Jekyll and Hyde

I need somebody to rescue me
When personalities clash
I know which person I want to be
With no defiance
Just God-reliance

[[ Sagacious Musings ]]*|8:29 PM|

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